Whether you are a strict disciplinarian or use a more easygoing approach, the following guidelines should help you shape a strategy of discipline that will benefit both you and the children.

• Always keep the child's developmental level in mind when you set limits, and don't expect more than he's capable of achieving. For example, a two- or three-year old can't control the impulse to touch things that attract him, so it's unrealistic for you to expect him not to touch displays at the grocery or toy store.

• Set the punishment to the child's developmental level. For example, if you decide to send a toddler to his room for misbehaving, don't keep him there for more than about five minutes; any longer, and he will forget why he's there. If you prefer to reason with him, be sure that you keep your discussion simple and practical.

• Don't change the rules or the punishment at random. That will only confuse the child. As he grows older, you naturally will expect more mature behavior. But when you change the rules at that time, tell him why. For example, you may tolerate his pulling on your clothes to get your attention when he is two, but by the time he is four you may want him to find more grown-up ways of approaching you.

• Make sure that all the adults in the house and other caregivers agree to and understand the limits and punishments used to discipline a child. If one parent says something is OK and the other forbids it, the child is bound to be confused. Eventually he will figure out that he can get his way by playing one adult against the other, which will make your lives miserable now and in the future. You can prevent this game-playing by presenting a united front.

• Remember that you are a key role model for children. The more even-handed and controlled your behavior, the more likely a child will be to pattern himself after you. If, on the other hand, you hit or spank him every time he breaks a rule, you're teaching him that it's OK to solve problems through violence.

Frustration, anger, and an occasional tantrum are inevitable for young children. As a care-giver you should allow a toddler to express his emotions but, at the same time, try to help him channel his anger away from violent or overly aggressive behavior. Here are some suggestions:

• When you see that a child is starting to get worked up, try to turn his energy and attention to a new activity that is more acceptable.

• If you cannot distract the child, ignore him. Every time you react to one of his outbursts in any way, you're rewarding his negative behavior with extra attention. Even scolding, punishing, or trying to reason with him may simply encourage him to act up more.

• If you are in a public place where his behavior is embarrassing you, simply remove him without discussion or fuss. Wait until he's calmed down before you return or continue with your own activities.

• If the tantrum involves hitting, biting, or some other potentially harmful behavior, you cannot ignore it. But it still won't help the child if you overreact. Instead, tell him immediately and clearly that he is not to behave this way, and move him off by himself for a few minutes. He cannot understand complicated explanations, so don't try to reason with him. Just make sure he understands what he was doing wrong, and dole out your punishment then and there. If you wait an hour, he won't connect the punishment with the "crime."

• Don't use physical punishment to discipline a child. If you do, he may assume that aggression is an acceptable way to respond when he doesn't get his way.

• Monitor a child's television viewing. Preschool children may behave more aggressively if they watch violent programs on TV.

No, we are not talking about the environmental threats to an endangered animal species. "Extinction" is a disciplinary technique that is most effective with two- and three-year-olds, although it may continue to be useful into the school years.

The idea is to systematically ignore the child whenever he breaks a certain rule. As you might guess, this method should be used for misbehavior that's annoying or undesirable but not dangerous or destructive.

Here's how "extinction" works:

• Define exactly what the child is doing wrong. Does he scream for attention in public? Does he cling to you when you're trying to do something else? Be very specific about the behavior and circumstances in which it occurs.

• Keep track of how often the child does this, and what you do in response. Do you try to pacify him? Do you stop what you're doing to pay attention to him? If so, you're unwittingly encouraging him to keep misbehaving over and over.

• Keep recording the frequency of his misbehavior as you begin to ignore it. Remember, the key is consistency. Even if every person in the grocery store is glaring at you, do not show the child that you hear him screaming. Just keep doing what you're doing. At first, he will probably act out more intensely and more frequently just to test your will, but eventually he will realize that you mean business.

• When the child acts properly in a situation where he usually misbehaves, be sure to compliment him. If, instead of screaming when you refuse to buy him a candy bar, he talks to you in a calm, normal voice, praise him for acting so grown up.

• If you manage to extinguish the misbehavior for a while and then it reappears, start the process over. It probably won't take as long the second time.

Adapted from: Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5 (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1993)

From the February, 1996, issue of The Teddy Bear.