Children often learn how to do things for themselves automatically because of the satisfaction involved in mastering a task and the pleasing sense of independence and self-confidence that comes with it.
When a child learns to dress himself, gets her own drink of water, or puts on her own boots, the child feels pleased with their accomplishment. Hopefully, care-giving adults recognize the very complex task which the child has conquered and understand that it is difficult for him or her.
It is important to try not to take a child's efforts to be independent for granted but, rather, to show recognition and approval. Once a child has mastered some of these skills, she can feel proud of her newly acquired independence. She no longer has to be constantly waiting for adult help.
Sometimes, however, a child may refuse to help himself, saying, "I can't" or "You do it for me." One reason for this may be that the task really is too difficult for him. In this case, it should be simplified or dropped for a while. Other times, a child may lack the self-confidence necessary to tackle a new task and truly believe he can't do it.
Another reason a child may refuse to help himself is that he wants the attention that comes with having adults do things for him.
When a child lacks enough self-confidence, an encouraging adult can break the task into small steps and help the child get started by asking questions that will lead her to her own solution of the problem. Or, the adult can suggest some steps that the child might take first.
For example, if Tammy wants a drink of water but says she can't get it herself, you may want to try something like this: "If you want a drink of water, what's the first thing you have to get. - - That's right, you need a glass. Where are they? Can you reach? What should you do so you can reach?" - - and so on.
Another might be the case of a child who has climbed to the top of a jungle gym but doesn't think he can make it down. In this case, you might try something like this: "That looks hard, but let's see if I can help you figure out how to do it. - - First you put this foot on this bar. Good! Now, hold on here with this handÉ"
It's important to recognize that children really may not feel able to tackle a job on their own, but may only need a minimal amount of assistance in order to get started. When the job is done, be sure to recognize the effort. "That was really hard, but you did it!"
From the September, 1996, issue of The Teddy Bear.
