Most people do not understand the variety of pressures which adoption imposes upon a family. They may view adoption as a "perfect" solution for a family wanting children, for a birth-parent who is unable to care for a child, and for a child who enters a family with economic and social stability. Often, even when an adoption turns out to be joyous and fulfilling, it may be far less than "perfect."

Adoptive families face many stigmas and prejudices which non-adoptive families may not understand. For example, one adoptive mother says she feels as if she lives with the "ghosts" of the adopted child's birth parents. (When angered, the child would say, "My REAL mother wouldn't be so mean to me!").

Society introduces or explains children who have been adopted by labelling them as "adopted children," no matter how old they are or how many years or decades ago the adoption process occurred. For instance, read a newspaper carefully; the news media frequently include information about someone's adoptive status in their stories, even though it may not be relevant to the news.

How can we strengthen and improve our understanding of adoptive families? One important step is to recognize that the adoption process is a "lose-lose-lose" situation. First, the birth-parents lose an important piece of themselves -- their biological child. This can be a tremendous loss experience comparable to a death in the family, but with no subsequent support once the child is gone.

Second, the child loses the genetic connection to their biological parents. As a result, the child may struggle with a deep desire to find someone who physically looks like them. One blond, blue-eyed mother relates how she and her Korean-born child were shopping and ran into a friend. "Oh!" exclaimed the friend, "your little girl looks just like a china doll!" The friend was trying to be complimentary. However, when the mother and daughter were alone, the child burst into sobs, crying, "But, Mommy, I want to look just like you!"

Third, adoptive parents lose the experiences of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing. They also lose the decision-making control of when to add to their family; that decision is left up to the adoption agency.

Recognizing the realities of these "losing" situations should not imply that adoption is bad or something to be avoided. Instead, a compassionate recognition of the consequences of adoption teaches us that even good solutions can have many repercussions which people in general don't understand. Learning about these issues makes us more sensitive to the adoption process and especially to the needs of young children in our care.

Adoption is not an affliction or a continuing condition. Adoption was a one-time occurrence which added a child to the family. Considering how adoptive and non-adoptive families are alike, as well as how they differ, can bring into perspective the fact that adoptive families are really not so extraordinary.

• The quality of love found in both families is mutual and also equally fulfilling.

• The child -- whether adopted or not -- is valued as a special and unique individual.

• The parents want their child to be happy.

• The child is curious about his or her own origins.

• The parents want to do well in raising the child

• The child wants to belong.

• The child wants to be like those around him or her.

• The child needs to express his or her feelings.

• The child is biologically unrelated to the parents.

• The child's genetic history may be temporarily or permanently unknown.

• The child may grieve for the loss of his or her birth-parents.

• The child may not have any information about his or her history, heritage, or origins.

• The adopting parents may feel rejected by the child's birth-parents or by an extended adoptive family.

• The child is physically different, or feels different, as a consequence of adoption.

• The child's feelings may not be understood by adoptive parents who do not share the child's set of experiences.

It is important to know that you can help a child feel accepted (regardless of their origin) by understanding various developmental phases in an adopted child's life.

At 3 to 5 years of age, an adopted child needs to understand the following:

1. The question "Where did she come from?" (even if asked by a friend) can have a powerful negative impact on an adopted child. The child needs to know that he or she was born -- just like everyone else -- and did not just come off an airplane.

2. There is nothing random or accidental about the child's status. A careful plan was made for the child to become part of his or her family.

3. The fact that the child was placed for adoption was not the child's "fault" and was not the result of something the child did, or failed to do. The biological parent was unable to care for any child at the time of his or her birth.

At 6 to 8 years of age, a child needs to understand:

1. That he or she is not the only adopted child in the world. They are not alone in the experience.

2. The concept of "blood relation" and how it differs from other equally valid kinds of relationships. At this time, a child should receive as much information as possible about everything surrounding his or her origins. Without this information, children may fantasize about their birth-parents.

All children have a natural curiosity not only about their own origins but also about the origins of their friends and peers. What opportunities can be used to discuss adoption when one of your day care kids is adopted?

There are several situations which are tailor-made for discussing adoption in positive terms and, thereby, helping the other children to better understand the adoption process:

• When a new child who joined his or her family by adoption enters your care.

• When other parents are having a child through pregnancy.

• When a family in child's same social group goes through adoption.

• During birthday parties.

• At the anniversary of an adopted child's placement.

• During the Mother's Day and Father's Day holidays.

• When discussing "family trees" (genealogy and family history).

• At the time of parent conferences.

• At behavior diagnosis/planning times.

• When sharing children's literature, story-time, etc.

Finally, be sure to avoid any negative terminology and stereotypes when discussing adoption. Words can hurt, and children can sustain lasting hurts even when we think we are being polite. Avoid phrases such as:

• "Your real mother"

• "Your real father"

• "Gave you up" for adoption

• "Natural parent"

• "Your own child"

• "Unwanted child"

• A child who is "hard to place"

• "Foreign child"

• "Orphan"

With careful, compassionate thinking, you can change those negative words and phrases into positive affirmations such as:

• "Your birth parent"

• "Biological parent"

• "Born to a single person"

• "Made an adoption plan"

• "The waiting child"

• "A child from abroad."

Information for this article was received from the NAEYC workshop in Anaheim, California (Nov., 1993).

From the May, 1994, issue of The Teddy Bear.